You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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