I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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