I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
