was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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