so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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