Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Randomize
