I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
We were destined to go to rehab together
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize