I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
