Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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