my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
