I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
