Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
