Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
