so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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