What did we do last night that was yellow?
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
