I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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