Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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