drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
