There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
