1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
