I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
