I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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