drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
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