His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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