the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
