yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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