Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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