I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
