Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
