You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
