Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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