Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
