Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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