why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
