When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
