so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Randomize
