I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
