wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
