Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize