Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
