you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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