How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
