neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Randomize
