Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
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