You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
