I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
