We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
