I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
