i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
