I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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