Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
My ass is underappreciated
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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