Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
