Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
