I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
