at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
