I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
