Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
