Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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