Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
