I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
My vagina is very pro this idea
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
