what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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